Sorry I'm Late
Paper Darren
Food fight - (close to stop-motion - super funny though)
Stop Animation Drums
DEADLINE
The Sand Castle - Part 1
The Sand Castle - Part 2
The Owl and the Raven
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Top 10 Fav Stop-Motion Animation Video Finds
Animated in bed
Sorry I'm Late
Paper Darren
Food fight - (close to stop-motion - super funny though)
Stop Animation Drums
DEADLINE
The Sand Castle - Part 1
The Sand Castle - Part 2
The Owl and the Raven
Charles and François - Part 1
Watermelon Nights
Sorry I'm Late
Paper Darren
Food fight - (close to stop-motion - super funny though)
Stop Animation Drums
DEADLINE
The Sand Castle - Part 1
The Sand Castle - Part 2
The Owl and the Raven
Charles and François - Part 1
Watermelon Nights
Friday, May 29, 2009
How to stay alive at work
In my last post I realized that life doesn't seem too drab if you have something to be excited about. The only problem is, what do you do while you wait for your exciting event? For example, I might go wake boarding after work. At this point I am content with still having brain waves because I know eventually, I'm going wake boarding. BUT in the meantime, work right now is about as thrilling as watching dust accumulate on the nearest viewable surface. So what do I do (besides check my email 27 times, watch domino videos on youtube, twitter a few times, facebook as many friends as I can come up with witty comments for, and zone out for the time unaccounted for by the previously mention activities)? In other words, how do I make this moment more than bearable?
Here's a couple short-term solutions to minimize your zone-out time:
Long-term solutions: Hmm... a little tougher. What you need a sense of purpose. Why are you here where you are waiting for something exciting? Here's my reason for working behind a computer, inside for 7.5 hours a day: my wife. Kate loves sewing and wants to start selling baby blankets and homemade cloth diapers on etsy or her website to come, katekirchner.com. You see, you have to remember why you are here. If you really have NO reason why you are where you are, then get out of there! You have better things to do - higher places to go! Start a hobby, adopt a puppy, make a friend - find a reason to be doing what you're doing.
Find a purpose and if you can't, why are you there?
And I'll leave that up to you - one more thing to keep you occupied while you wait for your exciting event.
Here's a couple short-term solutions to minimize your zone-out time:
- Listen to music you rarely listen to (I suggest starting with a disney playlist)
- Start a blog and write about how bored you are at work (no one's ever done that before!)
- Make a list of things you'd like to accomplish and do them one by one. Note: This might not work. Here's a how-to guide.
- Stay away from sugar - it'll keep you going for a little bit, but it quickly turn on you and you'll crash like a cat on diazepam.
Long-term solutions: Hmm... a little tougher. What you need a sense of purpose. Why are you here where you are waiting for something exciting? Here's my reason for working behind a computer, inside for 7.5 hours a day: my wife. Kate loves sewing and wants to start selling baby blankets and homemade cloth diapers on etsy or her website to come, katekirchner.com. You see, you have to remember why you are here. If you really have NO reason why you are where you are, then get out of there! You have better things to do - higher places to go! Start a hobby, adopt a puppy, make a friend - find a reason to be doing what you're doing.
Find a purpose and if you can't, why are you there?
And I'll leave that up to you - one more thing to keep you occupied while you wait for your exciting event.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
A little hope for all you slugs out there
I was walking home from work for lunch and I was totally bumming about life. I didn't feel like I was getting very far in any part of my life - life was just creeping along at a slugs pace. And that's how I felt - like a slug - depressed, lazy, tired, bored, somewhat purposeless, and if for any reason God decided to rain salt down on me, I'd be quite content with shriveling up and taking the rest of the week off.
Then a small breeze blew by and the smell of warm concrete reminded me of longboarding. "Oh, OH, how I can't wait to save enough money to buy a longboard. If only I had a longboard to skate away my troubles this afternoon," I dreamed. Then suddenly I noticed my attitude - I immediately animorphed from my slug-state back to human form; I regained hope and purpose in life. You ask what purpose I find in longboarding but that's not the point. The point is this:
Life doesn't seem too drab if you have something to look forward to - if there's something you're excited about coming up soon. You'll drudge through the muddy thick of suckiness to reach your final destination. You'll live another day just to wait for your excitement to blossom.
I thought to myself, "Hmm, with this new revelation, how can I have more alive days and less slug-wanna-kill-myself-not-reallly-but-almost days?" Ok, maybe that wasn't my exact thought stream but you get the gist of it. Maybe if I had more to be excited about, I would live a happier life - seems logical I guess. And then I thought about my wife Kate - what if she doesn't have a lot to be excited about when she comes home from work? Now I could change that!
What things can I look forward to? What things could I do to help someone else look forward to life after slugdom? More spontanaity? Accomplishing set goals? Geocaching? I leave it up to you.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Microsoft did something right today!
I opened up Internet Explorer 6 this morning to work on some debugging for an online community website and this page showed up: http://www.microsoft.com/windows/products/winfamily/ie/default.mspx
For those of you who don't know - Internet Explorer (IE) has been the bane of web developers' existence since it's inception. It does not comply with the internet web W3C standards and therefore does not render web pages like web-standards compliant browsers like Firefox or Safari. Why not just forget about it, you ask? Well, turns out that about 70% of internet usage today STILL use IE - if you have parents or grandparents over 40, do them a favor and download Firefox for them - you'll be helping us all out.
BUT the point is the Microsoft at least tried to get me to download IE version 8 which is light years more compliant than it's predecessors IE6 and IE7. And to THAT I applaud them. I'm still going to use Firefox.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Here comes the weekend
FRIDAY
Concert in Hillsboro:
Brian Lee and His Orchestra - http://www.brianleeandhisorchestra.com/
SATURDAY
am - Planting a garden in Greenville IL
pm - Going to a wedding in Clinton IL
SUNDAY:
Going to church and hanging out at the mance.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
7 of 14 hours in my day
Screenshot - mm Dreamweaver and Outlook. I'm lucky if I get in some Illustrator and who knows... maybe a little Microsoft Word?!? Woot! ha
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
More Tilt-Shift Photography (getting better)
Here's my third try - a little better picture - I think it's looking good. All I need to do now is take my OWN photo.
New buttons design for Go ED. Connect
I seem to have worked ALL morning and part of the afternoon on getting these little buttons perfect. I think I finally got it going on.
Monday, April 20, 2009
My try at miniature model building
I wanted to try some small scale modeling. Being that the Hogue Hall at Greenville College had just been torn down, I thought I might honor it by building the demolition of it. Lots of work went into this little guy. I hope you like it.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I'm writing a movie script; I need your help
I need your help:
I joined this thing to write a 100 page script in 1 month (scriptfrenzy.org) - And I'm working on the plot -- it's all about a guy who gets stuck in the boring day-to-day, 9-to-5 life of the workforce and he's searching to find ways to keep his head above water before he wants to kill himself (figuratively of course... well, at least on most days). He starts watching people and figuring out how they make it every day - and he notices these little things that everyone does to make it through their day... i.e. He sees someone on the bus reading a different Sci-fi novel every week. Another person has this tiny sketch book they draw trees in. One lady seems to constantly be watching babies and toddlers - she watches them observe the world and their expressions.
Here's the deal:
I need more 'little things' to make real life examples -- I've asked a few friends and I love their answers - now I'm asking you... so here's the question :
What little things do you do to keep life interesting - to get through the hum-drum of day-to-day?
More examples:
- My mom pays close attention to the growth of new plants every time she walks out of her apartment
- I will listen to Disney songs at work about once a month
- During the winter, I always look at the footprint I make in the snow (i think the designs on the bottom of shoes are often overlooked...haha)
- Sometimes on solo missions to the grocery store, I'll act like Mark Wahlberg - just for practice, in case one day I want to pull off a big heist
- My friend tries to see art in the old walls while he tears them down working construction
OR if you can't think of anything: What small things in life do you pay attention to?
And then after I write the script, you could be in this movie - this little part of you... - I'm excited to hear what little things you all do!
I joined this thing to write a 100 page script in 1 month (scriptfrenzy.org) - And I'm working on the plot -- it's all about a guy who gets stuck in the boring day-to-day, 9-to-5 life of the workforce and he's searching to find ways to keep his head above water before he wants to kill himself (figuratively of course... well, at least on most days). He starts watching people and figuring out how they make it every day - and he notices these little things that everyone does to make it through their day... i.e. He sees someone on the bus reading a different Sci-fi novel every week. Another person has this tiny sketch book they draw trees in. One lady seems to constantly be watching babies and toddlers - she watches them observe the world and their expressions.
Here's the deal:
I need more 'little things' to make real life examples -- I've asked a few friends and I love their answers - now I'm asking you... so here's the question :
What little things do you do to keep life interesting - to get through the hum-drum of day-to-day?
More examples:
- My mom pays close attention to the growth of new plants every time she walks out of her apartment
- I will listen to Disney songs at work about once a month
- During the winter, I always look at the footprint I make in the snow (i think the designs on the bottom of shoes are often overlooked...haha)
- Sometimes on solo missions to the grocery store, I'll act like Mark Wahlberg - just for practice, in case one day I want to pull off a big heist
- My friend tries to see art in the old walls while he tears them down working construction
OR if you can't think of anything: What small things in life do you pay attention to?
And then after I write the script, you could be in this movie - this little part of you... - I'm excited to hear what little things you all do!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
taxes and life formulas
This is the first year I've had to do my taxes... and man are those things complicated at first glance. Why do they need to know SO much? And why do we have to have them in the first place?? -- (slow down all you people who know so much about the history of taxes and governments - I know why we have taxes - I just want to know why we have taxes).
One thing I've discovered from this tax experience so far is that with new responsibility comes new stress - stress you've never dealt with before and therefore, have yet to equip yourself with the appropriate coping mechanism. For example: In sixth grade I would come home with these awful headaches every day. I was wicked stressed out about getting any grade lower than an A. (I know, I was an overachiever and perfectionist - comes from not wanting to disappoint people - one road completely littered with stress) But once I realized all you had to do to get an A was give the teacher what they wanted; the headaches went away. I figured out the formula.
I'm definitely a formula person. Pick out the variables, project the end result, find what values get me that end result - plug it in and stay the course. I've found this method works best with things that don't change over time, otherwise you're constantly revising your formula. And I'm slowly figuring out that this method doesn't work very well in marriage - more specifically, women - more specifically, my wife, Kate. I'll ask her what I need to do to bring about a certain result (or sometimes prevent a certain result) and the answer I usually get is, "I don't know. Today might be different than tomorrow - you'll just have to play it be ear."
Playing it by ear is something I'm usually good at too but only because I use my formulas. So maybe with marriage I have to make daily formulas - hourly formulas... at least that's my current method - however, there's not enough data at this time to come to any conclusive conclusions. (hah)
So I'll get this tax thing down - mainly because I know I have to and I'm generally not one to rebel and escape to the hills of Montana. We'll make it through this year and maybe find out how to cope with the stress it brought and next year it will meld into the "that's just life" category. I'll move on, find new responsibilities and stresses, and then find out how to cope with them. Mmmm - the circle of life... I knew that movie would shape my life.
One thing I've discovered from this tax experience so far is that with new responsibility comes new stress - stress you've never dealt with before and therefore, have yet to equip yourself with the appropriate coping mechanism. For example: In sixth grade I would come home with these awful headaches every day. I was wicked stressed out about getting any grade lower than an A. (I know, I was an overachiever and perfectionist - comes from not wanting to disappoint people - one road completely littered with stress) But once I realized all you had to do to get an A was give the teacher what they wanted; the headaches went away. I figured out the formula.
I'm definitely a formula person. Pick out the variables, project the end result, find what values get me that end result - plug it in and stay the course. I've found this method works best with things that don't change over time, otherwise you're constantly revising your formula. And I'm slowly figuring out that this method doesn't work very well in marriage - more specifically, women - more specifically, my wife, Kate. I'll ask her what I need to do to bring about a certain result (or sometimes prevent a certain result) and the answer I usually get is, "I don't know. Today might be different than tomorrow - you'll just have to play it be ear."
Playing it by ear is something I'm usually good at too but only because I use my formulas. So maybe with marriage I have to make daily formulas - hourly formulas... at least that's my current method - however, there's not enough data at this time to come to any conclusive conclusions. (hah)
So I'll get this tax thing down - mainly because I know I have to and I'm generally not one to rebel and escape to the hills of Montana. We'll make it through this year and maybe find out how to cope with the stress it brought and next year it will meld into the "that's just life" category. I'll move on, find new responsibilities and stresses, and then find out how to cope with them. Mmmm - the circle of life... I knew that movie would shape my life.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
run
Two days ago was the perfect day for run. I ran a pretty decent distance considering what shape I'm in - 2.5 miles. But it didn't come easily - here are my thoughts while running:
00 min : 02 sec - "Thank you Lord for this beautiful day."
00:10 - "How long should I run? I could run out 5 minutes out and then back. No, I can do 7."
00:45 - "I want to do 10 minutes out and then back..."
02:03 - "Mm. I'm kinda sore from soccer last night."
05:15 - "I wonder how long I've run... only 5 minutes?! ugh."
05:53 - "Maybe I will just go 7 minutes out... no I can do 10. I'll go to the end of this street - if it's close to 10."
07:34 - "What if I get to the end of this street and have a nice cool down walk back - yeah, that sounds nice."
08:45 - "No, maybe to the end of street and halfway back and then walk..."
09:26 - "I bet I could make it all the way back - it wouldn't be very fun but I could probably do it. And it's my first run of the year so I won't go too hard - just take it nice and easy."
10:02 - "Perfect, end of the street and now the long haul back."
10:47 - "Focus - not on my legs or lungs - but the rhythm... zone out, hone in. That's right."
10:55 - "Hey, look at that truck."
11:03 - "Ok, ok - focus..."
12:23 - "At least it's downhill now... but the rest looks all uphill - I dunno if I want to run all the way back - maybe I'll stop at 15 minutes."
13:36 - "I wonder what Kate would think of me if I told her I stopped before I wanted to... I bet she would think more of me if I finished all the way strong. - You know, a run is like marriage and life - you can choose to slow down, take your time, walk, not really work much OR you can keep working, keep finding new ways to love you spouse, keep picking up your clothes everyday, and not get lazy - just finish strong - keep going..."
14:20 - "I don't want to keep going - this run isn't a literal translation of my marriage - my marriage won't be ruined if i stop running... Wait, but it's my attitude that counts... Am I going to have this lazy attitude in everything I do OR am I going to keep working at my relationships and keep working on my athletics?? ... I've got to finish."
15:03 - "Gah! It's so hard, I don't know if I can do it... Lord, Please give me strength. 'In my weakness, He is strong.' "
16:05 - " 'In my weakness, He is strong.' "
17:50 - "Ah I'm getting close - run to that stop sign and then focus on the next stop sign... 'In my weakness, He is strong.' "
18:30 - "I feel like I'm flying - 'In my weakness, He is strong.' - Not my energy or rhythm, His; it's like angels pushing me... 'In my weakness, He is strong.' "
18:49 - *(in rhythm of my stride) " 'In my weakness, He is strong. In my weakness, He is strong. In my weakness, He is strong.' "
19:04 - "Come on - get there under 20 minutes... 'In my weakness, He is strong.' "
19:10 - *(breathe, stride, stride, breathe, stride, stride, breathe...)
19:36 - "I did it! Thank you Lord... sigh *(hands on my head) Now, walk around the square for a cool down...sigh"
I think Paul knew what he talked about when he related life to a race... this journey were on... we have to keep running, keep growing... we can't give up - not now, never. Well, I can't make it all the way without feeling like giving up... I will need the Lord's strength for those days... 'In my weakness, He is strong.'
00 min : 02 sec - "Thank you Lord for this beautiful day."
00:10 - "How long should I run? I could run out 5 minutes out and then back. No, I can do 7."
00:45 - "I want to do 10 minutes out and then back..."
02:03 - "Mm. I'm kinda sore from soccer last night."
05:15 - "I wonder how long I've run... only 5 minutes?! ugh."
05:53 - "Maybe I will just go 7 minutes out... no I can do 10. I'll go to the end of this street - if it's close to 10."
07:34 - "What if I get to the end of this street and have a nice cool down walk back - yeah, that sounds nice."
08:45 - "No, maybe to the end of street and halfway back and then walk..."
09:26 - "I bet I could make it all the way back - it wouldn't be very fun but I could probably do it. And it's my first run of the year so I won't go too hard - just take it nice and easy."
10:02 - "Perfect, end of the street and now the long haul back."
10:47 - "Focus - not on my legs or lungs - but the rhythm... zone out, hone in. That's right."
10:55 - "Hey, look at that truck."
11:03 - "Ok, ok - focus..."
12:23 - "At least it's downhill now... but the rest looks all uphill - I dunno if I want to run all the way back - maybe I'll stop at 15 minutes."
13:36 - "I wonder what Kate would think of me if I told her I stopped before I wanted to... I bet she would think more of me if I finished all the way strong. - You know, a run is like marriage and life - you can choose to slow down, take your time, walk, not really work much OR you can keep working, keep finding new ways to love you spouse, keep picking up your clothes everyday, and not get lazy - just finish strong - keep going..."
14:20 - "I don't want to keep going - this run isn't a literal translation of my marriage - my marriage won't be ruined if i stop running... Wait, but it's my attitude that counts... Am I going to have this lazy attitude in everything I do OR am I going to keep working at my relationships and keep working on my athletics?? ... I've got to finish."
15:03 - "Gah! It's so hard, I don't know if I can do it... Lord, Please give me strength. 'In my weakness, He is strong.' "
16:05 - " 'In my weakness, He is strong.' "
17:50 - "Ah I'm getting close - run to that stop sign and then focus on the next stop sign... 'In my weakness, He is strong.' "
18:30 - "I feel like I'm flying - 'In my weakness, He is strong.' - Not my energy or rhythm, His; it's like angels pushing me... 'In my weakness, He is strong.' "
18:49 - *(in rhythm of my stride) " 'In my weakness, He is strong. In my weakness, He is strong. In my weakness, He is strong.' "
19:04 - "Come on - get there under 20 minutes... 'In my weakness, He is strong.' "
19:10 - *(breathe, stride, stride, breathe, stride, stride, breathe...)
19:36 - "I did it! Thank you Lord... sigh *(hands on my head) Now, walk around the square for a cool down...sigh"
I think Paul knew what he talked about when he related life to a race... this journey were on... we have to keep running, keep growing... we can't give up - not now, never. Well, I can't make it all the way without feeling like giving up... I will need the Lord's strength for those days... 'In my weakness, He is strong.'
Monday, February 9, 2009
grieving
I haven't felt myself lately and I've come to the conclusion that I must be grieving over something (at least that what it feels like). But I'm not sure exactly what I'm grieving. I know there are stages to grieving but what are they? Let's start with the definition of grief.
grief - deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death
I'd like to take the liberty of amending the word 'someone' and changing it to 'something' - something has died, or passed. Things in my life that have died or passed might include:
- School days - 17 years of free summers followed by nine months of learning and after school activities - now all of a sudden, something that was so present in my life for so long is gone.
- Singleness/independence - all my life up to 3 months ago have included this characteristic of life. It's amazing how independent you are before marriage - you kind of relearn what dependence and independence mean when you start making decisions with someone else. My total independence has passed away. (I must add a disclaimer and say that death is a fact of life - it's not always bad when something dies. Nevertheless, you still must mourn something that was present for so long and now is missing. In fact, it's natural and healthy to mourn the dead.)
- Expectations - these get broken all the time. It happens to everyone. It's a fact of life - not everything is as you expect. Again, just because some of your expectations have altered or passed does not mean you hate your life - but they're dead, and you must deal with their dead corpses in some way.
- Freedom of occupation - You always have a choice to stay at your job or not... sorta. You DO have bills that HAVE to be paid. What's the point in quitting your 9-5 job for another 9-5 job? I won't regain my freedom by getting another job - I'll just be changing the prison guard, so to speak.
The Kubler-Ross Model of the grieving process shows 5 stages of grief.
It takes time to adjust to new situations - like married life, out-of-school life, working full-time life, paying bills life, not-having-a-lot-of-money life. So if I'm depressed that life is no longer going to be what it was, I must accept life for what it is now. I must bury the dead and move on. Forget about the past and live for today and tomorrow. Live for the dreams we have...
So what dreams do I have? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? -- hm, see there's part of the depression too - that whole 'loss of freedom' kinda gets on your dreams and sits on them like a large granite, unmovable, historic monument. You see, things that I want to do, I can't - or at least not as often as I'd like. And the person I want to be - I've set that bar so high that I don't enjoy looking at it anymore.
So do I accept becoming a mediocre man with mediocre hopes in accomplishing his dreams? Must I mourn the death of the expectation of who I want to become and bury my dreams? Do I accept their deaths so I can move on with life less depressed?
How is one supposed to keep living without having any dreams? How does anyone grow, if the vision of who you are to become is erased? Well, now I know exactly how I feel - like a man with no dreams, stunted by a distorted (if not hopelessly unreachable, therefore irrelevant) vision of who he wants to become.
Breathe.
I had high hopes of what kind of man and person I was to become. Not all those dreams are completely gone or unreachable - but I've lost hope in reaching them - at least for now in my life. I do hope that it's not like that forever.
Although, I run myself into the ground with this logic - If I CAN reach those dreams, what do my accomplishments amount to? I guess it depends on my heart and my accomplishments. Wanting to be a millionaire has entirely different rewards than striving to be a great father or husband. But what will being a great husband do for me? Make me happy? Make Kate, my wife, happy? Give me rewards in heaven? Do I even want rewards in heaven? I try to forsake everything like rewards and honor here on earth for Christ's sake - why would I want rewards or honor in heaven for my sake?
--
There I see my flaw - taking humility to the point of demeaning my own self - lowering my self-worth so much, I begin to believe I'm worthless; self-sacrificing my own joy and my own life. And sure, I know I was knit in my mother's womb with care and thoughtfulness, I know I have worth in Christ - what is it though? What worth do I have? And will the answers I receive fulfill my heart and renew my spirit - or am I just too stubborn? Am I blind?
Father, forgive me squelching the life out of one of your children - myself. Forgive me for my hopelessness. Forgive me of my stubbornness. Forgive me for belittling a child of God - myself. In you, I know I have worth but right now I don't know if my life's actions deserve anything worthy. I am loved LORD - so much, by so many - and yet I feel this way. What am I doing wrong? What am I missing? What am I not seeing or accepting? What can I do to change this? Please reveal yourself to me.
grief - deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death
I'd like to take the liberty of amending the word 'someone' and changing it to 'something' - something has died, or passed. Things in my life that have died or passed might include:
- School days - 17 years of free summers followed by nine months of learning and after school activities - now all of a sudden, something that was so present in my life for so long is gone.
- Singleness/independence - all my life up to 3 months ago have included this characteristic of life. It's amazing how independent you are before marriage - you kind of relearn what dependence and independence mean when you start making decisions with someone else. My total independence has passed away. (I must add a disclaimer and say that death is a fact of life - it's not always bad when something dies. Nevertheless, you still must mourn something that was present for so long and now is missing. In fact, it's natural and healthy to mourn the dead.)
- Expectations - these get broken all the time. It happens to everyone. It's a fact of life - not everything is as you expect. Again, just because some of your expectations have altered or passed does not mean you hate your life - but they're dead, and you must deal with their dead corpses in some way.
- Freedom of occupation - You always have a choice to stay at your job or not... sorta. You DO have bills that HAVE to be paid. What's the point in quitting your 9-5 job for another 9-5 job? I won't regain my freedom by getting another job - I'll just be changing the prison guard, so to speak.
The Kubler-Ross Model of the grieving process shows 5 stages of grief.
- Denial - "I feel fine", "This can't be happening, not to me!"
- Anger - "Why me? This isn't fair!"
- Bargaining - "I'll do anything to have ______ back."
- Depression - "What's the point in going on anyways?"
- Acceptance - "It's going to be okay.", "I can fight through this."
It takes time to adjust to new situations - like married life, out-of-school life, working full-time life, paying bills life, not-having-a-lot-of-money life. So if I'm depressed that life is no longer going to be what it was, I must accept life for what it is now. I must bury the dead and move on. Forget about the past and live for today and tomorrow. Live for the dreams we have...
So what dreams do I have? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? -- hm, see there's part of the depression too - that whole 'loss of freedom' kinda gets on your dreams and sits on them like a large granite, unmovable, historic monument. You see, things that I want to do, I can't - or at least not as often as I'd like. And the person I want to be - I've set that bar so high that I don't enjoy looking at it anymore.
So do I accept becoming a mediocre man with mediocre hopes in accomplishing his dreams? Must I mourn the death of the expectation of who I want to become and bury my dreams? Do I accept their deaths so I can move on with life less depressed?
How is one supposed to keep living without having any dreams? How does anyone grow, if the vision of who you are to become is erased? Well, now I know exactly how I feel - like a man with no dreams, stunted by a distorted (if not hopelessly unreachable, therefore irrelevant) vision of who he wants to become.
Breathe.
I had high hopes of what kind of man and person I was to become. Not all those dreams are completely gone or unreachable - but I've lost hope in reaching them - at least for now in my life. I do hope that it's not like that forever.
Although, I run myself into the ground with this logic - If I CAN reach those dreams, what do my accomplishments amount to? I guess it depends on my heart and my accomplishments. Wanting to be a millionaire has entirely different rewards than striving to be a great father or husband. But what will being a great husband do for me? Make me happy? Make Kate, my wife, happy? Give me rewards in heaven? Do I even want rewards in heaven? I try to forsake everything like rewards and honor here on earth for Christ's sake - why would I want rewards or honor in heaven for my sake?
--
There I see my flaw - taking humility to the point of demeaning my own self - lowering my self-worth so much, I begin to believe I'm worthless; self-sacrificing my own joy and my own life. And sure, I know I was knit in my mother's womb with care and thoughtfulness, I know I have worth in Christ - what is it though? What worth do I have? And will the answers I receive fulfill my heart and renew my spirit - or am I just too stubborn? Am I blind?
Father, forgive me squelching the life out of one of your children - myself. Forgive me for my hopelessness. Forgive me of my stubbornness. Forgive me for belittling a child of God - myself. In you, I know I have worth but right now I don't know if my life's actions deserve anything worthy. I am loved LORD - so much, by so many - and yet I feel this way. What am I doing wrong? What am I missing? What am I not seeing or accepting? What can I do to change this? Please reveal yourself to me.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
significance
One thing marriage has shown me is this beautiful picture of someone choosing one person out of billions of other on this planet. For someone to say to you, "I think you - who you are, your faults and failures included - are significant to me; So much so that I want to live with you for the rest of my life." I think that is what everyone wants and needs - to be significant.
Everyone is unique. We all have our quarks and habits - the sum of which equal none other than you. And we don't like to be pushed and shoved into a box of someone else. Sure, we like it when others accept us but even in our little acceptance group, we want to stand out.
HA. I just looked at my 'About Me' and what's the first thing it says - "I want to be unique..." Not, only do we want to be unique but we want to be noticed. Then not just noticed, but then accepted. And then not just accepted but then acknowledged - be known for doing or being someone significant.
We see people who are alone - Has anyone noticed, accepted, or acknowledged them for being someone significant? What a difference we would make in their lives if we noticed them. And then think how they would feel when we accept them - bring them into our home for a warm meal. And then can you imagine the smile on their faces and the glow of joy that would pour from them when you show them that they are significant in this world?!?
This is one reason why I think Christ is so powerful. He, more than anyone, will emphasize and encourage your uniqueness and then add significance to it in all places at all times.
Go out and notice someone today. See what happens.
Everyone is unique. We all have our quarks and habits - the sum of which equal none other than you. And we don't like to be pushed and shoved into a box of someone else. Sure, we like it when others accept us but even in our little acceptance group, we want to stand out.
HA. I just looked at my 'About Me' and what's the first thing it says - "I want to be unique..." Not, only do we want to be unique but we want to be noticed. Then not just noticed, but then accepted. And then not just accepted but then acknowledged - be known for doing or being someone significant.
We see people who are alone - Has anyone noticed, accepted, or acknowledged them for being someone significant? What a difference we would make in their lives if we noticed them. And then think how they would feel when we accept them - bring them into our home for a warm meal. And then can you imagine the smile on their faces and the glow of joy that would pour from them when you show them that they are significant in this world?!?
This is one reason why I think Christ is so powerful. He, more than anyone, will emphasize and encourage your uniqueness and then add significance to it in all places at all times.
Go out and notice someone today. See what happens.
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