deserving

deserve - do something or have or show qualities worthy of (punishment or reward)

Something I've been struggling with since I've come back from my semester in Africa - What do I deserve?

Most Americans believe we deserve a free education, equal rights, a happy life, a good family, etc. and when any of these 'rights' are lost or destroyed by outside forces, we complain of how unfair life is.

According to American standards, I saw a lot of unfair situations in Uganda and Rwanda - children and young adults paying for education; many people walking to work (if they had work) along filthy, littered roads; men and women who believed men had more rights than women; my friends having the same kind of food week after week. And you know what was funny? In Africa, I saw a lot of unfair situations but still a lot of content, thankful, Lord-praising people.

I slept on a four inch thick foam mattress for the last month I was in Uganda - in a concrete, no AC, hot and sticky room - and I lived. I come back to the States and lay on my big, thick, wide mattress at home and think to myself, "Why do I need this? Do I feel like I deserve this because my parents live in the U.S. and every American (if they have the job to afford it) deserves a comfortable bed to sleep on every night?" I made a lot of friends in Uganda who worked so much harder than I have ever worked and still have concrete living room floors, three or more kids sleeping in their bedroom, no car, no laptop, no good paying job. Why do I deserve more than they do?

This is why I wake up most mornings asking myself if I deserve this life I've been given. Am I supposed to believe that I deserve a happy and fulfilling life? What have I done to deserve anything? God knows I don't deserve His Love either.

Can I live with all these things I don't deserve when I know people who deserve so much more than me? Why should I be deserving?

a long rollar coaster

It's been a while since I posted and for those of you reading, I apologize. This last month took Kate and I for a ride and it's only starting to level out somewhat now. Here's a brief overview since my last post:

- I got engaged to the lovely Kate Wolfe on July 4th under the fireworks in Corolla, North Carolina just after we saw wild horses on the beach.

- We started planning a 200 attendant...then 100 attendant wedding in Wayport, Mass.

- Still looking for jobs - I'm trying to finish up the Graffiti site asap.

- Mostly finish graffitiministries.com and head to Buffalo, NY
- enjoy the original buffalo wings with some Go ED. friends at Anchor Bar in Buffalo
- attend a marriage seminar
- hung out with some homeless people
- worked out twice

- Headed from Buffalo NY to Cape Cod, Mass. for a week vacation with the Wolfe family
- had lobster for the first time
- got to master the skim board
- hung out with the Wolfe gang

- Came home and started working on the Go ED. site
- a week and a half's worth of 12 hour days!

- I get a call from a business inquiring me for a potential interview for a full-time with benefits job in Chesepeake, VA (40,000+ yearly -- super good opportunity)

- Kate got a job as a Teacher's Assistant

- We agree on a small, immediate family wedding in Corolla
- Kevin finally calls the rest of his party

- I fly to Phoenix, present the website (or 1/2 of it b/c it wasn't fully finished)
- I get a call in the airport and am offered the Video Production Assistant Job
- They love it and offer me a year Maintenance Contract which we're currently working out the details
- Have lunch with Grandma and Pa Kirchner which was so nice and encouraging - also came back with 3 bags of Grandma and Pa cookies!! (the best!)

- I fly home and see Kate for what SEEMS like the first time in 2 1/2 weeks
- We decide on a local wedding to save on gas, hotel reservations, and locale rentage

- Kate and I watch The Dark Knight and liked it but it had a lot of killing in it and we both hadn't really gone out to watch a movie this whole summer b/c of lack of mulah so it kind of hit us hard - plus it was a little late at night...

- We started WORK! Kate ended up as a Librarian Assistant which will be awesome and right now I'm a temp webmaster and Video-Production-Assistant-to-be with the hopes of getting an interview for a full-time job.

And now we wait - Wait to get our paychecks, wait to make friends, wait to get a place of our own, wait to get married - lots of crazy ups and downs and now...waiting patiently.

Lord give us strength, joy, and contentment in the moment where You have put us now.
Amen

beginning or end

There are many points in our life where things die and new things are given birth. Graduating college was the death of my school years (at least for now) and the birth of "semi-adulthood". At these death and birth points we find our character - how we grieve the death and approach new life.

I wasn't afraid to watch my school years die. They were great. I have very few regrets, if any, and I felt supernaturally blessed throughout my high school years. However it's this birth into so-called "adulthood" is making me a little more tense - maybe somewhat similar to a mother with her first child. There are loads of uncertainties; tons of unanswered questions and unknown experiences to come. This is the time where you take those dreams you said you wanted to go after and find out if you actually go after them or not.

At these crossroads you have at least two choices - to sit and cower at the unknown or to take it in full stride. In every other area of my life I've attacked it with ferocious confidence - almost an intuitive confidence. That confidence seems to have run away like a kitten frightened by a large, fast-moving object. But I'm not sitting. I'm not going to sit.

LORD, please give me strength and show through my weakness. Please help me really put my trust and faith in You during this time. Show me the way; lead and guide me. Thank You for bringing me this far and thank You for where You are taking me.

laughter in chaos

There's almost too many options - it's hard. Where do we go? What do we do? What about 'we'? When? How? It really is tough - good, but tough. We have all of these 'grown-up' decisions to make and now's the time to make them. Will I be ready to make those decisions? Will I ever be ready?

I've been job searching, and job waiting, and job doing. Right now I'm working on those two websites - graffitiministries.org and the FH site. I'm waiting to hear about a video production assistant part-time job, waiting to hear from two design agencies, I'm on-call for lawn-mowing jobs, doing odd jobs for the Byrds - it's a crazy time. I almost feel like I'm JUST behind where I'm supposed to be in this game of life.

But tonight has been so lovely. I don't think I've had so much care-free fun with Kate for such a long stretch in a long time. It does the heart good to laugh in the midst of chaos - and we're right there in it together. MMm MMm good.

moving is for the byrds

I'm out of the Wolfe's house - about 8 miles from my lovely girlfriend Kate - but it may be greener on this side of the fence. I think it's nice to get some time away from Kate. Aside from the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder," we both decided that it will be nice to be able to get into our own little individual routines now. I will be able to start running and work late and Kate will be able to talk to more of her friends and get some errands done. So even though we're apart - it's still good.

And now I'm living with the Byrds - Miss Florence and Mr. Billy; that's the southern respectful way of addressing those older than you. They're a lovely couple who have traveled the world and are constantly on the move. I actually had to wait a week to move in here because they went camping for a week and next week they're going somewhere else for another week.

The Byrds have opened their home to me - I've just talked to them about three times and they already feel like another neighborhood mom and dad. Mr. Billy taught me how to change the oil - not only that but he said, "Alright Kevin, the next one's yours - that Buick station wagon." His words were thick with the southern draw mixed with a little swamp-talk slur. He's confident in my abilities already and I feed off that so well - I'm excited. Miss Florence is lovely; she's a kind servant with a happy and free attitude. When I asked how late they usually stay up, Miss Florence replied quickly and confidently, "Twelve," shrugging it off like it's no big deal for her - and it's probably not.

The place I'm staying is a room above their messy garage (Miss Florence has been waiting to have a yard sale. "I wish she'd have it already," Mr. Billy said after he forged a trail from his tool bench in the back of the garage to get ready to change the oil.) My room is a long room with a bed on one end, the entrance on the other, a small closet space on either side (like other attic rooms usually have) and a pool table in the center (which is awesome). I didn't play pool tonight but I may later - I gotta get better at 9-ball.

I've asked the Lord to bless this house. I asked Him to also bless Miss Florence and Billy for blessing me. I asked for strength, motivation, and health so that I can be a blessing to them and the opposite of a burden. I want to lighten their load and bless them as much as I can while I'm here.

Tomorrow's the day to start getting some real work done on the websites - so far so good. Disciplining myself is a great idea.

agree to disagree...now what?

What do you do when you disagree with someone who wants you to agree with them? Do you scamper away from your strong-founded (at least in your eyes) beliefs? Do you proudly and defiantly shrug off all opposition for your "truth" to stand in the mist of "falsehood?"

In other words, will you be a coward or an arrogant, insensitive pig. I'm sure the balance of some cowardly pig is in there somewhere. I don't want to be proud but I also don't want to be wrong. I want her to see that my view is better than hers but what kind of a relationship is that? NOT ONE, if that is what I believe! There's two people in a relationship, not just one.

Is it possible for me to set down my beliefs (and all the facial expressions of those beliefs being set aside) for a brief moment while I hear her out and accept her view and support her for the sake of love? Can I find value in what she thinks and believes? I darn well better be able to or you can say adios mi amiga!

LORD, please help me. I don't want to be considered stupid but more than that, I don't want to be selfish, arrogant, and insensitive. Teach me how to love beyond beliefs. Please forgive me for judging. Help me trust that others aren't unwilling to listen to my view - they just want to be listened to. Help me to listen more and talk less. Please calm my spirit when I disagree with those close to me. Please give me discernment of when to stand for the Truth and when to lay my truth aside. Thank You for loving and caring for me. Give us patience and fill our hearts with love for You and those around us. In Jesus' Name, amen.

summer projects

Here's a sneak peek at a couple of projects I'm working on this summer.

Graffitiministries.org site redesign rough draft #1:



Rough draft #2:


And here's rough draft #3 - this is pretty close to the final look - the final will be more girl than this one:


And here's a sneak peek at the Go-ED community website might look like (in about 3 months... or more!):

These are all dreams and concepts right now. We'll see how much they really are going to look like this when I'm through with all the programming and such. Oh man, I have so much to learn and so much to do. I'm really excited I get to work on these but at the same time pretty nervous to take on such big challenges. Right now I'm still doing things that I'm pretty familiar with - the designing part. Next I have to jump into the programming where I have a little less practice. Here goes!

the fastest way to a man's heart...

is his stomach. Yes, it's true. I just fell head over heels over this girl who served me lunch - a small, seemingly insignificant bowl of baked beans and chopped up grilled hot dog.

Kate came in to see how my work was going. I replied with a smile and a comment on how I was feeling. I asked her what there was for lunch. "Not much," she said, "Cereal?? There's hot dogs but no buns." I kept smiling - staying positive knowing that I really would like something more substantial than cereal or a hot dog without a bun.

Kate left the room to let me work and after about an hour, I was still working. Hmm, I'm hungry, I thought to myself. Before I could stand up to get ready to wander in the kitchen and start scrounging, Kate walked in with a beautiful smile on her face, a cup of water in one hand, a napkin and a bowl of beans and hot dog in the other. That's so much better than what I was thinking I was going to have for lunch, I thought.

A small act of kindness (which I knew wasn't small - those dogs were grilled, which means she stood outside in the heat to cook them, and she found those beans...) and I'm overwhelmed with the love from her and for her.

When you serve each other in selflessness, you can't do anything BUT fall in love.

a new morning

This morning I woke up early to go for a bike ride. I took the bike off the car and strapped on my helmet. I started down this small highway and I can quickly tell from the weight of the air that I'm non longer in Boston - I'm much farther south. This morning reminds me of the summer days in Missouri - warm and humid, so humid you just stand in the sun and start sweating. I feel comfortable though in this humidity, I think to myself as I continue to ride.

Boston was good for a time but now it's time for a new sunrise. Suffolk, Virginia is where Kate's parents just recently moved and staying with them is significantly cheaper than rent in Boston. This short time while we get our feet under ourselves is a better step for this transition rather than struggling to keep our heads above water in Boston. It's a great city - nice organic food selection - but maybe a little too big and not super accepting.

We'll see what southern comfort is all about in the months to come. So far it's looking like the harvest is coming in great.

the boat inatteso

Inatteso is Italian for unexpected, and that's the word I would use to describe my life in Boston - I'd even go back as far as when I started dating Kate. And in each of these cases unexpected doesn't mean bad - it's just not been what I had expected. Kate has been getting lovelier and lovelier every day since we started dating - there's more and more and more I find out about her that I adore and makes me so happy I'm dating her.

Boston has been good...well, at least been okay. Life after college has definitely been unexpected - Boston's expensive and it's not easy to find a new place to stay when you know so few people and have so very little money. I think I expected to move right out of college into my own place with my own silverware and my own refrigerator - but no - I'm sharing again; eating off of unmatched plates, fighting to find towel drying space, walking around quietly in the mornings as to not wake your roommates...it's just not what I had expected.

And life in Boston is good because I've learned a lot. I've learned I'm not quite ready to live in the city without a job. And yes, there are more people, but making new friends is harder than it seems - especially coming in completely new to a place where everyone else has their friend groups set and it ends up that you're just "tagging along" - or so it seems.

So unexpected - but seeing God's grace through these experiences? definitely expected. Jesus is the friend who always accepts - you know, it's nice too that He goes wherever you happen to go too! haha

If anything, Boston has gotten me back in the swing of talking and meeting with God - maybe that's just an out-of-college thing. Well one other thing - spending time with Najeh (our muslim roommate) I've learned a little more about Islam and will learn more en chalah.

peace with a drink

Growing up in a pretty conservative home, drinking was frowned upon to say the least, and the views I have held in respect of honoring and obeying my parents tend to continue well past the boundaries of the house in which I grew up.

Like just about everything else that your parent's teach you, it can be for better or worse.

[Life has it's pendulum swings - your parents do one thing this way that you really don't want to do so you go off the other deep end and your kids don't like the way you do it so they go back closer to your parent's extreme and back again - a pendulum swing. When I raise my kids, I'll teach them differently about drinking - I'm trying to figure out just what I'll teach them though.]

There are reasons I'm glad my parents instilled in me a dislike for alcohol, but as we all - me especially - tend to live in extremes, and being completely turned off and morally opposed to something that may not be wrong in others' eyes can cause some issues. Now, I don't think drinking is wrong either - but the problem is that I still have these ideals stuck in my head that I better not touch the stuff and I better not associate with anyone who does. I mean, how do you transform views you've had for 22 years into your own view? God knows it can't be done overnight and you're probably going to step on some toes as you go.

But this is the best part - when we're patient with people who have those extreme views and are trying to find a better balanced view; or when we're humble enough to un-grasp our firm beliefs in light of guilt-tripping someone who has less extreme views - you find reconciliation. Allowing yourself to change for the sake of someone else (not changing to please them) but allowing yourself to humbly look at their perspective without freaking out that what your good, respectable, Christian parents taught you might have been a little extreme - oh man - when met with patience and respect - there you find love.

I know I might not explained that perfectly clear (it is 1 in the morning) but it's almost one of those things you have to experience to fully understand - just remember - don't go to bed angry with someone you're in a relationship with, allow your "set in stone" beliefs to be broken sometimes (but not without a lot of thought and caution), and don't be selfish, even when you "know" you're "right".

letting me help

A few days ago I was walking to the grocery store to grab some deli meat for lunch. I turned the corner into the parking lot and jogged past this older man walking very slow, crouched over, with a cane. I immediately wanted to help him somehow but he was walking on his own; I can't make him walk any faster, and I was pretty sure he could make through the automatic doors without my help.

So I past him and walked inside. The only thing I could do was thank God for the strength and ability He's given my body. I walked in past the produce and headed toward the deli section. The zip-loc aisle caught my eye (as I'd been looking for some small sandwich bags) and I stopped and started my search for the best bargain.

I searched long and hard and just as I was about to make the perfect selection, the old man with the cane turns the corner and stops right beside me. He starts mumbling something about needing kitchen bags, as if to remind himself of why he's here. "Oh, I left my glasses at home," he finally says coherently. Imagine that, I thought to myself; here was my time to help. We looked over a couple kitchen trash bags and I grabbed the cheapest for him. And just as fast as he had come, he was gone.

Thank You Lord for giving me the opportunity to serve this man or angel - You have your ways of blessing your children and I thank You.

the edge

It's amazing - how many times God has taken me to the edge where I was SO certain I was just going to jump off; I mean, give me another 3 minutes and I'm out of here, I'm done, gone - and He jumps in and pulls me back to comfort. It's like thinking "there is no hope" - I've literally thought that - "There is no hope" and then just before you're last ounce of hope evaporates, God saves you. At least He has for me - I've never actually taken that step off the ledge - so close but never actually had to take that step.

It is important to accept where you are right now for being the place you need to be right now. Too much look into the future and/or the past will leave you wanting something more than what you have now - when really, if you take and embrace what you have now as part of the process for something greater than yourself, you'll be much more if not completely satisfied.

time to work

Today has been very productive - I paid my $125 Indiana speeding ticket, mailed off my Food for the Hungry contract (so I can begin that project) and started work on GraffitiMinistries - but now, I'm slowing...

It's been a while since I've been in creative-going-all-out-web-design-mode, and it's hard to get in to but today's the day. I've set my computer down, picked up my sketchbook and pencil and began as any good project begins - brainstorming. I'm all alone here at Grand Prix Cafe on Massachusetts Avenue - no one to direct me or brainstorm with me - it's just me.

Lord, please allow the ideas to flow, the motivation to grow, and the confidence to build as I work on these projects. I give You the glory for all that I have and will do. Thank You for these opportunities. Please be with us today as we go through our days and help us not forget to bring you along. In Jesus's Name, Amen.

walking weather

What a beautiful day - I finally got to use my bike today. I had some worthwhile goals for getting some freelance work done but plans changed and I'm glad they did. Here's a little list of what can make a perfect day:

- Biking on the streets of Somerville; dangerous meter getting filled some - it's been a while.
- Going to a park with an apple, 3 bagels, 1/4 pound of turkey pastrami, and a lovely lady and beautiful friend, Kate.
- Backflip off the slide
- Swinging and talking
- Picture moment: Jumping out of the swing (check out Kate's blog)
- Getting beat in tic-tac-toe
- Painting on old pieces of ply-wood
- Going for an "adventure walk" - a walk where you're not sure where you'll end up but you go to see the world
- Stopping at an amazing ice cream store and end up eating what your friend ordered - coffee oreo in a waffle cone...MMMMmmmMMM
- Sushi anyone? Nah - wait, let's make our own! Ingredients include nori (dried seaweed sheets), sushi rice, rice vinegar, avocado, imitation crab meat, mayonnaise, cucumbers, and sesame seeds.
- A 3 mile bike ride to a sweet duplex called the Grace House where a Christian few guys and gals are living in a community setting to impact this world by stimulating deep philosophical discussions
- A 3 mile bike ride back to eat a little couscous
- 2 episodes of The Office next the lovely Kate
- Nice bike ride back to the apartment, meet Achmit, eat humus and pretzels (MMmmM), take a shower, a go to bed.

Thank you Lord for this blessed day.
I'll say no more.

one small step...

More like a giant leap - I came to Boston with a place to stay only to find a place for me to chill and pay rent until I found a new place. But the 4 roommates are kool:

Dave: Brother of my girlfriend, Kate - Dark, tall, strong chin; Loves people and wants everyone to join in the conversation with him.

Scott: From Chicago - A little fun under the business; Gonna get things done and I'm going to stand really tall-like when I do it.

Joel: Curly hair - Spontaneous personality, short and good conversationalist - also knows a significant amount of Arabic.

Najah: Our Jordanian friend - Lived in Jordan until 2 years ago when he moved to Boston; Loves volleyball, is supposedly amazing at fixing cars, and sleeps from 3am to 1pm - otherwise completely predictable...(not)


So I'm here until I find another place - working on freelance websites: graffitiministries.com and a part of fh.org - making new relationships - building a relationship with Kate - relying on God and hoping He gives me the strength and courage to do all that's necessary.