deserving

deserve - do something or have or show qualities worthy of (punishment or reward)

Something I've been struggling with since I've come back from my semester in Africa - What do I deserve?

Most Americans believe we deserve a free education, equal rights, a happy life, a good family, etc. and when any of these 'rights' are lost or destroyed by outside forces, we complain of how unfair life is.

According to American standards, I saw a lot of unfair situations in Uganda and Rwanda - children and young adults paying for education; many people walking to work (if they had work) along filthy, littered roads; men and women who believed men had more rights than women; my friends having the same kind of food week after week. And you know what was funny? In Africa, I saw a lot of unfair situations but still a lot of content, thankful, Lord-praising people.

I slept on a four inch thick foam mattress for the last month I was in Uganda - in a concrete, no AC, hot and sticky room - and I lived. I come back to the States and lay on my big, thick, wide mattress at home and think to myself, "Why do I need this? Do I feel like I deserve this because my parents live in the U.S. and every American (if they have the job to afford it) deserves a comfortable bed to sleep on every night?" I made a lot of friends in Uganda who worked so much harder than I have ever worked and still have concrete living room floors, three or more kids sleeping in their bedroom, no car, no laptop, no good paying job. Why do I deserve more than they do?

This is why I wake up most mornings asking myself if I deserve this life I've been given. Am I supposed to believe that I deserve a happy and fulfilling life? What have I done to deserve anything? God knows I don't deserve His Love either.

Can I live with all these things I don't deserve when I know people who deserve so much more than me? Why should I be deserving?

a long rollar coaster

It's been a while since I posted and for those of you reading, I apologize. This last month took Kate and I for a ride and it's only starting to level out somewhat now. Here's a brief overview since my last post:

- I got engaged to the lovely Kate Wolfe on July 4th under the fireworks in Corolla, North Carolina just after we saw wild horses on the beach.

- We started planning a 200 attendant...then 100 attendant wedding in Wayport, Mass.

- Still looking for jobs - I'm trying to finish up the Graffiti site asap.

- Mostly finish graffitiministries.com and head to Buffalo, NY
- enjoy the original buffalo wings with some Go ED. friends at Anchor Bar in Buffalo
- attend a marriage seminar
- hung out with some homeless people
- worked out twice

- Headed from Buffalo NY to Cape Cod, Mass. for a week vacation with the Wolfe family
- had lobster for the first time
- got to master the skim board
- hung out with the Wolfe gang

- Came home and started working on the Go ED. site
- a week and a half's worth of 12 hour days!

- I get a call from a business inquiring me for a potential interview for a full-time with benefits job in Chesepeake, VA (40,000+ yearly -- super good opportunity)

- Kate got a job as a Teacher's Assistant

- We agree on a small, immediate family wedding in Corolla
- Kevin finally calls the rest of his party

- I fly to Phoenix, present the website (or 1/2 of it b/c it wasn't fully finished)
- I get a call in the airport and am offered the Video Production Assistant Job
- They love it and offer me a year Maintenance Contract which we're currently working out the details
- Have lunch with Grandma and Pa Kirchner which was so nice and encouraging - also came back with 3 bags of Grandma and Pa cookies!! (the best!)

- I fly home and see Kate for what SEEMS like the first time in 2 1/2 weeks
- We decide on a local wedding to save on gas, hotel reservations, and locale rentage

- Kate and I watch The Dark Knight and liked it but it had a lot of killing in it and we both hadn't really gone out to watch a movie this whole summer b/c of lack of mulah so it kind of hit us hard - plus it was a little late at night...

- We started WORK! Kate ended up as a Librarian Assistant which will be awesome and right now I'm a temp webmaster and Video-Production-Assistant-to-be with the hopes of getting an interview for a full-time job.

And now we wait - Wait to get our paychecks, wait to make friends, wait to get a place of our own, wait to get married - lots of crazy ups and downs and now...waiting patiently.

Lord give us strength, joy, and contentment in the moment where You have put us now.
Amen