grieving

I haven't felt myself lately and I've come to the conclusion that I must be grieving over something (at least that what it feels like). But I'm not sure exactly what I'm grieving. I know there are stages to grieving but what are they? Let's start with the definition of grief.

grief - deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death

I'd like to take the liberty of amending the word 'someone' and changing it to 'something' - something has died, or passed. Things in my life that have died or passed might include:

- School days - 17 years of free summers followed by nine months of learning and after school activities - now all of a sudden, something that was so present in my life for so long is gone.

- Singleness/independence - all my life up to 3 months ago have included this characteristic of life. It's amazing how independent you are before marriage - you kind of relearn what dependence and independence mean when you start making decisions with someone else. My total independence has passed away. (I must add a disclaimer and say that death is a fact of life - it's not always bad when something dies. Nevertheless, you still must mourn something that was present for so long and now is missing. In fact, it's natural and healthy to mourn the dead.)

- Expectations - these get broken all the time. It happens to everyone. It's a fact of life - not everything is as you expect. Again, just because some of your expectations have altered or passed does not mean you hate your life - but they're dead, and you must deal with their dead corpses in some way.

- Freedom of occupation - You always have a choice to stay at your job or not... sorta. You DO have bills that HAVE to be paid. What's the point in quitting your 9-5 job for another 9-5 job? I won't regain my freedom by getting another job - I'll just be changing the prison guard, so to speak.




The Kubler-Ross Model of the grieving process shows 5 stages of grief.

1. Denial - "I feel fine", "This can't be happening, not to me!"
2. Anger - "Why me? This isn't fair!"
3. Bargaining - "I'll do anything to have ______ back."
4. Depression - "What's the point in going on anyways?"
5. Acceptance - "It's going to be okay.", "I can fight through this."

I'm obviously not denying it if I'm writing this post. I feel more in the depression stage - I'm not angry that I've lost these things, and I don't really want them back necessarily. Maybe, I realize there's no way of getting them back and that's why I'm depressed. "What's the point in going on if there's no hope in getting back what I had for such a long time."

It takes time to adjust to new situations - like married life, out-of-school life, working full-time life, paying bills life, not-having-a-lot-of-money life. So if I'm depressed that life is no longer going to be what it was, I must accept life for what it is now. I must bury the dead and move on. Forget about the past and live for today and tomorrow. Live for the dreams we have...

So what dreams do I have? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? -- hm, see there's part of the depression too - that whole 'loss of freedom' kinda gets on your dreams and sits on them like a large granite, unmovable, historic monument. You see, things that I want to do, I can't - or at least not as often as I'd like. And the person I want to be - I've set that bar so high that I don't enjoy looking at it anymore.

So do I accept becoming a mediocre man with mediocre hopes in accomplishing his dreams? Must I mourn the death of the expectation of who I want to become and bury my dreams? Do I accept their deaths so I can move on with life less depressed?

How is one supposed to keep living without having any dreams? How does anyone grow, if the vision of who you are to become is erased? Well, now I know exactly how I feel - like a man with no dreams, stunted by a distorted (if not hopelessly unreachable, therefore irrelevant) vision of who he wants to become.


Breathe.


I had high hopes of what kind of man and person I was to become. Not all those dreams are completely gone or unreachable - but I've lost hope in reaching them - at least for now in my life. I do hope that it's not like that forever.

Although, I run myself into the ground with this logic - If I CAN reach those dreams, what do my accomplishments amount to? I guess it depends on my heart and my accomplishments. Wanting to be a millionaire has entirely different rewards than striving to be a great father or husband. But what will being a great husband do for me? Make me happy? Make Kate, my wife, happy? Give me rewards in heaven? Do I even want rewards in heaven? I try to forsake everything like rewards and honor here on earth for Christ's sake - why would I want rewards or honor in heaven for my sake?

--

There I see my flaw - taking humility to the point of demeaning my own self - lowering my self-worth so much, I begin to believe I'm worthless; self-sacrificing my own joy and my own life. And sure, I know I was knit in my mother's womb with care and thoughtfulness, I know I have worth in Christ - what is it though? What worth do I have? And will the answers I receive fulfill my heart and renew my spirit - or am I just too stubborn? Am I blind?

Father, forgive me squelching the life out of one of your children - myself. Forgive me for my hopelessness. Forgive me of my stubbornness. Forgive me for belittling a child of God - myself. In you, I know I have worth but right now I don't know if my life's actions deserve anything worthy. I am loved LORD - so much, by so many - and yet I feel this way. What am I doing wrong? What am I missing? What am I not seeing or accepting? What can I do to change this? Please reveal yourself to me.